


Five Times Alcohol can be Blamed Instead of Eames (And One Time it Might Actually be Saito’s Fault)

by ropememory



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Community: inception_kink, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:25:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ropememory/pseuds/ropememory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for <a href="http://inception-kink.livejournal.com/4946.html?thread=6651474#t6651474">this prompt</a> on inception_kink. This ended up... way more crack-y and way less porn-y than I meant it to.  For that, I am sorry.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Five Times Alcohol can be Blamed Instead of Eames (And One Time it Might Actually be Saito’s Fault)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://inception-kink.livejournal.com/4946.html?thread=6651474#t6651474) on inception_kink. This ended up... way more crack-y and way less porn-y than I meant it to. For that, I am sorry.

**1\. Mal/Dom/Eames--before the marriage**

“The first one was Mal’s fault,” Eames said.

Arthur raised an eyebrow at him. “I highly doubt that.”

“It was! You can ask Dom!” Eames replied.

Ariadne turned to look at Dom, who sighed.

“I suppose, that, yes, _technically,_ Mal started it,” Dom conceded. He didn’t look too happy about it, though.

“I can’t wait to hear this,” Arthur muttered.

\--

They were drunk. They had to be, otherwise surely _someone_ would have put a stop to the conversation.

“The French know how to kiss,” Mal said. “The British are just... wet fish.”

“Have you ever _kissed_ a wet fish?” Eames asked.

“Aren’t all fish wet, anyway?” Dom mused. “They’re in the water.”

Mal rolled her eyes. “Kissing a fish. That’s what it’s like.”

Eames took another sip of his beer. “What do Americans kiss like, then?”

“They’re just _boring,_ ” Mal said.

Eames scoffed. “No, no way. Prove it.”

“Alright. Kiss Dom, then.” Mal stared at Eames, motioning towards Dom with the hand not holding her wine glass.

And then Eames kissed Dom.

“Wha--” Dom started, confused.

“You’re right,” Eames said. “Boring.”

“Hey! Not fair! You caught me off guard!” Dom exclaimed. And then he grabbed Eames’ head and pulled him into another kiss. “There!”

Eames nodded and Dom looked smug.

“But, see, the French do it better,” Mal said, and then she was kissing Eames.

\--

“And, really, the natural progression from who _kissed_ better is to see who’s better at _sex,_ ” Eames said.

 **2\. Mal/Dom/Eames--after the marriage**

“That doesn’t explain the second time, though,” Dom said. “The second time is _definitely_ your fault, Eames.”

“It’s not! That one was Arthur’s fault,” Eames replied.

“Mine? I wasn’t even _involved!_ ” Arthur said.

“Oh, but you were.” Eames nodded sagely.

\--

It was after the reception, when most everyone had gone home, and Dom and Mal should have been on the way to their honeymoon. They weren’t, though. But they should have been, and that counts for something.

“See, now that you’re married, the sex is going to suck,” Arthur said, topping off his champagne glass.

“Oh, see, darling, Mal’s _French,_ and I’m told their sex _never_ sucks,” Eames replied, pushing the confetti that littered the tabletop into tiny piles.

“It’s true,” Mal agreed, giggling and clinging onto Dom’s arm.

“Although, I’m not sure how accurate that statement is, having never been married to a French woman, or man, for that matter, myself,” Eames mused.

“I’ll let you know,” Dom said.

Arthur scoffed. “You won’t.”

Eames nodded in agreement.

“Fine! You can compare for yourself!” Dom exclaimed.

“How am I going to do that?” Arthur asked. “I’ve never had sex with either of you.”

“Eames has!” Mal sat up, letting go of Dom’s arm. “ _He_ can compare, and get back to you.”

Arthur stared at Mal, mouth hanging open a bit.

Eames nodded again. “I guess that settles that, then. I shall report back with my findings.”

\--

Arthur was blushing. “That’s not how it happened.”

Dom frowned. “I’m not sure that one was Arthur’s fault.”

“Well it wasn’t _my_ fault,” Eames said.

“It sounds like it was alcohol’s fault, really,” Ariadne supplied.

“But that doesn’t explain the time with Nash,” Yusuf said.

“That never happened,” Arthur and Eames said simultaneously.

 **3\. Nash/Arthur/Eames**

They don’t talk about this one. But it definitely happened (and was probably Nash’s fault).

\--

Yusuf rolled his eyes. “ _Fine._ What about that time with what’s-her-face?”

“That,” Eames said, pointing at Yusuf, “was _your_ fault.”

 **4\. Eames/Yusuf/Some Random Woman Whose Name They Don’t Remember**

“No, see, it lasts _longer_ when you don’t chug it down like water,” Yusuf said.

“But it is water?” What’s-her-face asked, confused.

“Magically enhanced water,” Eames replied.

“It’s, no, see,” Yusuf sighed. “It’s still water, yes, but it’s got a flavor packet added to it that makes it lemonade.”

“Which you then add copious amounts of vodka to,” Eames added. “Because lemonade without vodka is just pointless.”

Yusuf glared at him. “Right.”

What’s-her-face looked from Yusuf to Eames back to Yusuf. “Maybe you could explain this _in depth_ elsewhere?”

“My flat is close by,” Yusuf said, and then the three of them were gathering their things and leaving the bar.

As it turns out, explaining in depth is apparently code for “have wild crazy sex.”

\--

“I think that was the vodka talking,” Ariadne said.

Eames shrugged. “Still not _my_ fault.”

“You used the phrase ‘magically enhanced water’ and still got laid?” Arthur asked.

“She wasn’t the brightest,” Yusuf replied.

“So, wait... _all of you_ have slept with Eames at some point?” Ariadne asked.

“I haven’t,” Arthur said, (because the thing with Nash doesn’t count).

“That’s not true,” Eames said. “There was my birthday two years ago.”

“I was drunk!” Arthur exclaimed.

“Oh, but very, very willing.” Yusuf grinned.

“You practically threw yourself on me,” Eames added.

“I don’t remember this one,” Dom said.

 **5\. Eames/Arthur/Yusuf**

“It’s your birthday, right?” Arthur asked.

Eames nodded. “Indeed. It’s my birthday and I’m _working._ ”

“This calls for shots, I think,” Yusuf said.

“Thirty, right?” Arthur questioned.

Eames sighed. “Yes. I’m getting so old.”

“Thirty shots it is!” Yusuf said, getting up to go to the bar.

“There’s no way I can drink thirty shots by myself without getting alcohol poisoning,” Eames said.

“We’ll split them, then. Ten each,” Arthur reasoned.

It only took about five before Yusuf bowed out.

“Do one more so Arthur and I can have an even twelve,” Eames said.

“Fine,” Yusuf agreed, before downing another shot.

“Eameeees,” Arthur whined, after eight, “I don’t think I can do anymore. Maybe. Maybe if you take me home with you, we can... we can like. You know. Excise them out, and finish the rest.”

“Excise?” Yusuf asked.

Arthur nodded. “You can come, too.”

“Arthur! Did you just propose a threesome?” Eames asked.

Arthur frowned. “I don’t... I don’t think so?”

“Because I think it’s a brilliant idea,” Eames continued.

“He said _excise,_ Eames. That sounds nothing like sex,” Yusuf stated.

“Well, I mean. I mean we could do the sex thing,” Arthur said. “Right? Because, it’s your birthday. Yes. That’s... that’s what we’ll do. Since I didn’t get you a present.”

“You didn’t get me a present?” Eames asked, looking sad.

“I’ll... my present can be the threesome?” Arthur suggested.

“That assumes I’m willing to partake in said threesome,” Yusuf said.

“It’ll be fun!” Arthur exclaimed. “I can be all, all, switch-y, so, you know. Whatever works best for you.”

“Are you trying to proposition Yusuf for sex on my birthday?” Eames asked.

“No! I’m trying to... trying to get the. The three thing. And he’s being...” Arthur waved his arms around in the general direction of Yusuf. “He’s being a lameopotomus.”

“Lameopotomus?” Yusuf mouthed, confused.

“Oh, Yusuf, mate, you shouldn’t be... be a... what Arthur said.” Eames goaded.

Arthur nodded in agreement.

Yusuf sighed. “Fine. But I’m not drunk enough for this.” He took two more shots, one from each of them, and then the three of them stumbled back to one of their hotel rooms for the proposed birthday threesome.

\--

Arthur was looking very red, and Dom was trying to hold back laughter.

“I’m feeling very left out.” Ariadne pouted.

Saito walked in then, carrying a bag. “Left out of what?” He asked.

“Eames’ orgies,” She replied.

“They’re not _orgies._ And, I just told you, none of them are my fault,” Eames said.

Saito set the bag down on Eames’ desk before heading over to console Ariadne. Eames immediately started poking around in the bag.

 **+1. Eames/Everyone**

“Is this perfume?” Eames asked.

Saito nodded. “You’re more than welcome to try it.”

Eames shrugged and started spraying the perfume on everyone in the warehouse.

It took a few moments, but then they all seemed to agree that, really, it was best if they started having inventive sex all around the warehouse.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise that last bit isn’t completely out of left field. I recommend watching [ this](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0396171/) to get an idea of what I’m talking about.


End file.
